Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I hate the scale

And the scale hates me.

I'm going to do another goals update tomorrow so I'll add my weigh-in update to that.  Needless to say, not impressed by the number on the scale and unsure how one gains that much weight in two weeks.

Le sigh.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Um...where did the week go?

I woke up this morning all excited it was Friday and realized - I didn't get on the scale on Wednesday.  I didn't even think about getting on the scale.  In fact, I barely even noticed I missed my weekly weigh-in.

Why?  It's been a nutsy week at work.  We finished a regular issue on Tuesday and we're currently working on our Newsmakers issue, which goes to the printer today so we've done two magazines in a week, which is not the norm.  Hence my life not being any kind of norm.  Though I have managed to get home most nights this week before the Beau went to bed, which is always nice.  There have been work weeks where I haven't seen him awake for three days at a time. 

But back to the weigh-in: I'm just going to let it go and get back on track next week.  After all, why stress about that kind of thing?  The world will not end if I don't get on a scale. 

Happy Friday everyone!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Up-Down Challenge Weigh-in #34

As seems to be the routine of late, I weigh myself on Wednesdays but don't update here until a few days later.  And it was a bittersweet weigh-in, that's for sure.

Last week: 196.6 lb
This week: 193.6 lb

Sweet because I'm down 3 lb but bitter because I'm still annoyed I have to lose that extra 6 lb that I put on over a weekend (apparently).  Still, the number is going the right way this week and that's what matters. 

Thursday, November 17, 2011


I don't deal well with disappointment.

I recently knit the Beau a shawl-collar cardigan.  I showed him the pattern, got his approval on the colour and went to town.  It took me about a month to complete the project and, to look at it, it looks great.  The problem?  It doesn't fit all that well, particularly through the body (it's too big).  Even though the Beau has professed his love for the sweater, seeing it fitting him improperly sent me into a tailspin of misery and self-loathing.

I'd measured - how could I have failed so badly?  Why hadn't I checked the size earlier?  Why did I even think I could knit a sweater that fit?  I was so upset that we couldn't talk about the sweater for three days, and when we did finally talk about it, it was a tens conversation. 

I was just so disappointed in myself and I felt like a huge failure.

I'm a self-taught knitter and I'm proud of my knitting skills.  But it's also something I'm good at.  Of the talents I have (perceived or otherwise) not many are showcase-able: I can't sing or play an instrument; I'm not a dancer; there's no sport at which I'm good enough to join a team or league; I haven't been able to become a 5K-a-weekend runner; I'm smart but not the kind of smart that can participate in serious conversations about important issues (like politics, the environment, business/finance, etc.); even at work, my job isn't prestigious enough to earn a byline or any kind of recognition beyond my name in tiny font in the masthead.

I am a knitter; it feels like all I've got.  So when a knitting project doesn't work out, it's a huge failure for me.  And it's not even recognition that I want (though that's always nice), it's that I want people to say about me, "Oh, she's the so-and-so who can do this-and-that." 

(I also bake and regularly receive accolades for my baking, which is lovely, but I don't bake that much because it's hard finding people to eat it, what with people being health-conscious and such.)

So back to the knitting.  And it's not like it's something I can regale people with.  I don't break out the needles so they can watch me knit the way you'd watch someone show off new dance steps or listen to someone spontaneously start caroling while out Christmas shopping.  I'm not going to take the nephews into the backyard to show them how to purl the way someone might show them how to kick a soccer ball.  I guess I just want to feel like I'm talented and when the one thing I think I'm good at I'm suddenly not good at, well, it hurts.  A lot.

I'm knitting two more sweaters for Christmas, one for my brother and one for my mom.  I'm now much less confident in my ability to get them to fit so we'll see how they turn out. 

Monday, November 14, 2011

Off the hooch

I've decided to stop drinking.  I've done this in the past and enjoyed it when I was on the wagon and I want to do it again.

Why?, you may ask.

In the past, when I've taken a booze break, some people have viewed my decision as a tacit condemnation of their own drinking habits and insisted on me having even just one.  And that's not it at all.  There are three reasons why I'm doing this:

1.  Drinking doesn't make me have more fun 
In fact, the more I drink in one sitting the less likely I am to remember any fun I've had.  I'd much rather be able to recall a deep/hilarious/thoughtful conversation than say, "I was so drunk last night I don't remember a thing!"

2.  I feel like crap the day after and I lose that day
My hours are pretty intense so my weekends mean a lot to me.  When I tie one on, I'm on the couch the next day and pretty much out of commission.  While there's nothing wrong with a day on the couch, I'd rather it be by choice, not necessity.

3.  All those extra calories
Alcohol has calories, which is bad, but the post-drinking hangover food also kills my diet ambitions.  Yesterday I ate eggs with mushroom gravy, a panzerotto, chicken pieces, party mix and Miss Vickie's chips.  Not a stellar diet by any stretch.

Now, you may be noticing that as I talk about my drinking habits I'm pretty much an all-or-nothing girl.  And it's not that I can't stop after one drink.  It's that when I'm in a situation where there are drinks it's the kind of situation where no one stops after one.  So here's where I add a caveat: I will still have a glass of wine with dinner or at a celebration.  But just one.  And only on special occasions.  And, let's face it, we're on the cusp of the season of special occasions.  There will be family dinners, friends' birthdays, New Year's Eve - and I will have a drink to mark these festivities and that's it.

I don't judge other when they imbibe for a night and I won't become judgmental just because I'm not joining in.  But for the reasons listed above, it's the right thing for me to do now.  And I'll toast to that.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Up-Down Challenge Weigh-in #33

Okay, I had an indulgent weekend.  It was the Beau's birthday last Friday and we went all-out with the food and drink.  So I was expecting a bit of a gain, but I wasn't ready for this:

Last week: 192.0
This week: 196.6

Seriously!?  I gained 4.6 lb!?  NOT IMPRESSED with this.  I also didn't believe my scale and got on it a few times.  I'm also getting on it again tomorrow because this just feels wrong. 

Also, I went grocery shopping today and have a fridge full of grapes, cucumbers, carrots, kale, red peppers, apples, oranges, green beans and Greek yogurt (which I've discovered I love).  Next week's weigh-in will be MUCH better!

Oh, and I started with Relora on Sunday night and I can definitely say I'm sleeping better.  I also feel more relaxed but I'm not sure if that's the supplements or my brain having placebo effect.  Still, I'm happy with how it's going - even though it's only been three days. 

Sunday, November 6, 2011

2011 Goal Update #3 and Up-Down Weigh-in #32

 Once again, I"m so late on my goal updates, but it's been a busy few days.  The Beau's birthday was on Friday so we took the day off and explored some neighbourhoods we're considering moving to next year (yup, we hope to buy a house).  Then we had all kinds of meals out, did some errands and went out with friends last night so it's been a great, yet busy, weekend.

Anyways, enough excuses; here's the goal breakdown and my weigh-in for this past Wednesday.

Goal:Plank - Again, not a single plank done in October.  This is officially over. 

Goal:Run - I haven't gone for a run in a couple of weeks, as I was training for my CN Tower stair climb and then battled a cold.  The plan is to get back into it tomorrow.  My current distance is 4.25 km, which is 0.25 km less than I wanted by this point but missing two weeks of running will do that to a person.  I still want to hit 5 km by the end of November so I'm going to keep aiming for that.

Goal:Food - Again, not really doing this.  I'm trying to keep track in my head but it's just not working.  Tomorrow's Monday and a great day to start with the food journal again.  This is something I really need to get back on track with.

Goal:Weight - My last weigh-in on Wednesday had me at 192 lb, so no change from the previous week but I'm still not making the losses I need to hit my target.  But like the running, I'm just going to keep trying. 

Goal:Pants - No dice. 

Goal:Dress - Please see Goal:Pants.  Sigh.

Goal:Debt - My current debt load is $7,822.72.  THIS is the number I really want to see go down and I've got a nice paycheque coming next week, with some ridiculous overtime on it.  That will give me a nice chunk to put on my CIBC loan, on which I owe $2,255.12.  This is the one I really want cleared by the end of the year, even if I can't hit my target of only having $5,000 owing. 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Mora on Relora

Remember when I wrote about Relora?  Well I finally bought some today.  I ordered it online from, mostly because it's hard to find time to check out various drugstores but also because it was so much easier and allowed me to stop procrastinating.  And I could have it by the end of the week - delivery (which is free) takes 1-3 days. 

I'm trying really hard to not get my hopes up that it will magically solve a bunch of perceived problems because I do stuff like that.  But it's worth a shot, right?  I'll let you know how it goes.

A new month

Holy crap, it's November 1st.  When did that happen?!  It always throws me off when November starts with a bright sunny day because, in my mind, November is gray and dreary and full of dead tree limbs and fallen leaves.  But not today!  It's beautiful outside!

Being the first of November, it also means I'm due for another 2011 goals update, which I'll do tomorrow.  And I'm thinking the update will be much like the previous ones, with some progress being made in some areas and not much progress being made in others.

But you know what?  I'm okay with that

With the goals I've outlined things I want to achieve and where I want to be in my life but I'm slowly realizing that reaching those goals doesn't define me.  Heck, even the journey to reaching those goals doesn't define me.  They are simply things I'd like to get to, one day.  I've just put it to a schedule because, well, that's what I do.

I'm not going to be disappointed in myself if I don't fit into my purple dress or hit my target weight or even get to 5km in my running.  I'm just going to keep working at it until I get there.  I honestly can't explain when this new outlook came over me, but I'm enjoying it.  I mean, there was a moment yesterday when I thought, "Maybe I'll fudge my weigh-in just a bit, just in case I've gained a lot because I don't want to look like a failure."  But why lie?  I am who I am, at whatever size I may be. 

But - more importantly - I'm really having a good time lately.  Sure, work has been intense but I've been spending time with friends and family, enjoying the great outdoors, knitting up a storm, cuddling my kitty and spending as much quality time with the Beau as I can. 

Life is really good, and that's the best goal to achieve.